🚨 Trump’s Address to Congress: A Comedy of Errors 🚨

Last night, Donald J. Trump took to the podium in Congress for what was advertised as a “historic” speech. And historic it was—if by “historic,” you mean a rambling, self-congratulatory monologue that had fact-checkers working overtime and Democrats practicing synchronized eye-rolling.

Let’s break down the highlights (or lowlights, depending on your tolerance for alternative realities).

🎩 The Grand Entrance: Trump the Showman

As the cameras panned across the chamber, we were treated to Trump strutting in like a man who just found a “Buy One, Get One Free” deal on gold-plated furniture. He milked the applause for a solid three minutes, stopping to shake hands, sign autographs, and possibly scout out future jury members.

One could argue it was less of a speech and more of a victory lap for things that haven’t happened yet.

🏆 “I Am the Greatest (Just Ask Me)”

Within the first five minutes, Trump declared that:

✅ His administration is the most successful in U.S. history

✅ His first 43 days have been “the most productive ever”

✅ No one in government has ever worked harder than him

Honestly, if ego were a renewable resource, we wouldn’t need fossil fuels.

💰 The Economy is (Allegedly) Booming!

Trump claimed that America is experiencing “unparalleled economic growth.” But according to actual economists, this growth is so unparalleled it doesn’t exist.

He boasted that his new tariffs on Mexico, China, and Canada would “bring jobs back.” Yes, because nothing encourages manufacturing like more expensive imported materials and an angry Canada plotting revenge.

🚀 Mars, Greenland & Other Real Estate Dreams

Trump then pivoted to his foreign policy agenda, which appears to be inspired by Monopoly. He floated the idea of:

🌎 Re-purchasing Greenland (because last time went so well)

🚢 Reclaiming the Panama Canal (because why not annoy more countries?)

🚀 A manned mission to Mars (though some in the audience hoped he meant a one-way trip for himself)

It’s good to know that while most leaders worry about inflation and diplomacy, Trump is out here trying to collect properties like it’s a game of Civilization.

🏛 New Department of Government Efficiency (Run by Elon Musk?!)

In one of the night’s best plot twists, Trump proposed creating a “Department of Government Efficiency”—which, let’s be honest, is an oxymoron at best.

And guess who he wants to run it?

Yep, Elon Musk.

So now, instead of fixing the government, we’ll just get Twitter-style chaos, government buildings filled with Tesla charging stations, and policy memos sent exclusively via meme.

🎭 Theatrics & Walkouts

Democrats visibly groaned throughout the speech. Some booed. Some played Bingo with Trump’s most predictable lines (congrats if you had “Fake News,” “Rigged Election,” or “They Love Me in Ohio”).

Rep. Al Green was literally escorted out for heckling, but was he really heckling, or just fact-checking in real-time?

Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Greene showed up in a full-length MAGA cape, because nothing says “serious governance” like dressing for a WWE match.

🇺🇸 The Grand Finale: America is Back! (But from Where?)

Trump wrapped up by declaring that “America is back!” which left many wondering, back from what?

If he meant “back in time,” then sure! His policies seem ripped straight from the 1950s, so in that sense, we’re definitely traveling backward.

He painted a picture of a new Golden Age, though judging by the speech, it’s unclear if he meant the 2020s or the 1920s. Either way, someone should check if he’s about to bring back Prohibition.

🎤 Final Thoughts: The Speech That Never Ended

At 1 hour and 40 minutes, Trump’s address felt longer than a Lord of the Rings marathon but with fewer coherent plot points.

Republicans cheered like they’d just won the lottery, while Democrats stared into the middle distance like shell-shocked war veterans.

Fact-checkers? They’re on life support.

And America? Well, we’re just hoping the next episode of this reality show doesn’t end in a government shutdown.

🤡 TL;DR

🔹 Trump declared himself the greatest president ever (shocking!)

🔹 Proposed tariffs, space travel, and buying Greenland (again)

🔹 Wants Elon Musk to run a government department (no word on if he’s interested)

🔹 Democrats walked out, Republicans clapped like trained seals

🔹 America is back… somewhere?